An Incomplete Guide to 2017 State Fair Food

I don’t do things correctly. I have started strict diets, including not drinking alcohol just before wedding season, even when I know in my heart of hearts that the best thing about weddings (besides true love) is the decadent food and way too many drinks. Heck, last year, I attended the State Fair of Texas with the intention of reviewing everything I ate while under the spell of a brief but misguided Yankee psychosis known as “vegetarianism.” Thankfully, I cured myself of that ailment.

But, because I’m terrible, I attended the 2017 State Fair with another self-incurred problem. I’m, uh, not really eating carbs right now. Roast me in the comments. I tried, dear reader. I tried. Here’s my journey. As always, the rating system is on a scale of 10 vintage Bevos.

Jalapeño Cheddar Sausage on a Stick

Look at me, ma—I’m a low-carb warrior. This keto-friendly breakfast of champions really had me feeling like I was on track to stick to my plan, even if it was pretty bland.

Cup of Miller Lite

Whatever, I’m on vacation. It was insanely hot at the State Fair, and the only thing to sate my thirst was an oat soda. Folks, when you don’t drink beer anymore, an ice cold brew under the oppressive Texas sun is heavenly, even if it’s this pale pilsner from Milwaukee. It also helped the sausage go down.

Fried Pickles

I had to get something fried, right? I’m on vacation. When it comes to fried pickles, I’m a chip man, baby, so when I saw the breaded spears placed in front of me in exchange for 12 valuable coupons, I slumped a bit. But after a couple bites of this State Fair staple, I may be a changed man. This was perfect, and I kept my ketosis rolling by sliding some of the extra fried parts off and chucking them in the trash. Wasteful, yes, but this killer figure of mine takes sacrifice.

Fried Twinkie

This is where I began to lose a grip on my carb count, but I needed one of those over-the-top, completely unnecessary State Fair desserts. I haven’t had a Twinkie in about 15 years (jealous?) but what I remember loving about them as a kid was the spongy texture. A fried Twinkie completely loses that. This was a waste of coupons and my precious carbs.

Glass of Rosé

I’m back on track. I feel slim. Roast me in the comments.

Fried Froot Loops

I truly went off the rails here. I decided that I absolutely had to eat one of the Big Tex Choice Award winners, and the fried Froot Loops caught my eye. Essentially two iced sopaipilla pockets with icing and Froot Loops inside, topped with more cereal and confectioner’s sugar, this was the most unique thing I’ve ever eaten at the State Fair. With each bite, I felt myself morphing into some sort of mutant, but, dear reader … I simply didn’t care. The nostalgia of the Froot Loops mixed with the hashtag-YOLO-ness of the State Fair led me down a dark path of debauchery from which I still haven’t emerged. This was heaven.

There’s a moral in here somewhere. Something about temperance and modesty in the face of overabundance, or maybe something about forgiving yourself for minor dietary indiscretions because life is short and happiness is fleeting. I’ll get to the bottom of it someday, but for right now, I’m going to rest my eyes for a second. I’m so tired. I’ll figure it out later, over a kale salad.


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