Best of Campus Watch: July | August 2014

If a crime happens on campus—no matter how trivial or bizarre—the University of Texas Police Department is on the case. Featured in the New York Times, the department’s daily compilation of police reports shows the rarely seen humorous side of UTPD officers.

cw_thiefBlanton Museum of Art


Sadly, a thief couldn’t buy a vowel so he stole two bronze consonants from a display sign that was affixed to a wall near the Faulkner Plaza. Until the letters are replaced, the plaza area will be known as the _AU_KNER Plaza.

cw_squirrelWest Pickle Research Center

Criminal Trespass Warning

A non-UT subject was reported as sleeping in the grass on the north side of the building. The subject was awakened by officers. The subject stated he was sleeping and “watching baby squirrels.” The nature aficionado was found to have an outstanding outside agency arrest warrant for well, let’s say committing a bodily function in an outdoor area. In addition to other law enforcement action taken, the subject was issued a written criminal trespass warning.

cw_mathJester Center West

Public Intoxication

An officer observed (an underage) UT student fall to the ground. He produced a ticket stub when asked for identification. The student stated he was drunk but could still do calculus. The officer asked the student what one divided by X as X approaches infinity equaled and the student correctly answered 0, making his former calculus teachers very proud. Apparently, the student was too intoxicated to handle lesser math as he originally stated he had consumed a shot and two drinks of “mystery punch” but then counted the drink tally as five shots and four drinks of the punch. He tried to bargain with the officer and offered a home-cooked meal for his release. When the officers declined, the student demanded more calculus problems … before an ambulance arrived to transport him to a local hospital for alcohol poisoning.

Illustrations by Angie Calderon.


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